Reframing my inner slut and other psychological transformations

I did it. I had random sex and feel nothing about it. I will not marry this man, nor will I at any point consider him my boyfriend. I simply fulfilled a basic human need for comfort, and gratification. I did it.

I can do this. I can be a proper slut. Its a lofty goal I know. But I think it is achievable. I am going to abandon urges to attatch to one person like a sea urchin clinging to a rock. I will open myself up to all people and all things and at least ponder them for a moment. I will float like a leaf, landing on a man's lap just long enough and then float away again. I will let them in. I will seperate and devide emotion and physical pleasure. Creating lines and spaces and boundaries so all of these things can exist seperately. I will reframe my sluttiness as that of a cat in heat. No more. Seeking out satisfaction. I will emulate the fierce nancy, the drug lord of weeds fame who stares down strangers in elevators grabbing hands and legs and stealing quick bits of pleasure and then letting the doors close. Drinking men up like milkshakes and leaving the glass dirty for someone else to wash. 

"Don't call it sluttiness" my friend pleaded over dinner as if I were saying a bad word. "call it open to new things" 

"Thats why you left your marriage" chimed in her boyfriend. No in fact this is not accurate, I left my marriage so that I could take the friendships I had and make them more intimate. The irony is thick as mud that infact I still can't do this, I thought as I looked across the table at my friend who I would happily borrow just to exchange a bit of our souls for a small moment. But I can't do this with any of the many men in my life, so i will have to settle for strangers.

I will reframe it from my giving away of something valuable to consider it the taking of something free. I will have it. I will take it and I will walk away without care. 

I will do this because it is the only antidote to longing, heartache and crushing lonliness. It is the cure for my disease. It will imunise me, inoculate my brain from over active oxytocin receptors being fludded by the interaction of one person. I need many. I need many people I need to keep moving on to the next. I need to keep sorting not sticking to just one.