I am lucky beyond words

Normally happiness doesn't make me write. Wallowing in sarrow and bitterness brings me to the pen. But recently My life feels like its been transforming, slowly shifting. I am an observer watching from above as I become something new, like a moth slowly unfolding her wet wings after releasing herself with effort from the confines of the chrysalis. Slow, deliberate change with a growing realization that flight is now possible when it once wasn't. 

A month ago I had a fleeting moment of gratitude. I was sitting on my upstairs porch, the sun setting, the rice fields flowing green until they vanished into the sea. My sweet son reading to his hearts content next to me. Me sitting there holding a decent glass of red wine in a land deplete of such novolties. An organic salad was being made and hand delivered to me. The smell of purple sweet potato french fries in homemade coconut oil were drifting up from the kitchen where a young man who works for me was preparing them for my guests. I had just finished a long but fruitful day of presenting a months work of research to my funders. The results of a compolation of interesting days and nights interviewing HIV positive balinese transvestites and transexuals about condom usage. I mean really, who gets to do that? I spent the second half of the day managing the design and construction of a house that I alone have had the pleasure of designing. Every inch of which is full of hand carved bits and daily induced laughs and fun as I enjoy all of the people who work so hard to make it happen, all while practicing my indonesian. I am lucky beyond words.

Unfortunately this beautiful feeling of fullness in my belly was fleeting. It was way too easily over taken by the grief of loosing someone. I spent days on the beach, a perfect farewell to a sweet man who had kept the lonliness at bay. I spent the many weeks after his departure battling off this feeling. This pang of lonliness of unwantedness, rejection and loss. The emotional stew that was too large and heavy to not overtake the feeling of gratitute for all that is my very full and rich life. I was overwelmed by the feeling that my life was doomed to be perfect but unshared and that there was only a sea of strangers in front of me that I had to endlessly sort thru for real genuine human connection. The kind that makes you feel like your whole being is understood and wrapped up. But now I feel even this part of my life shifting. Lifting up like a hazy fog as the sun pokes thru.

A few days ago I went to a party. The kind of party where you have to compete with loud background noise for the attention of strangers. Normally I would leave feeling miserable at how foriegn this space is to me, but at this party people noticed me and talked to me. Suddenly even the handsome latino salsa dancer who ignored me in class walked across the room to remove me from my conversation and pull me over to one corner to privately charm me. 

The british boy who usually swivels like a chair between enticing me into trips and bussiness plans and turning his back on me for others, spent real moments wrapping me up with his attention. On the way out even an American I had fancied ages ago asked me if he could lift me off the ground, he spun me around in a circle and told me we should spend time together before letting me go.

What was lovely as I left alone to ride my motorbike home was that suddenly I realised I would have none of them and I was ok, not alone. They were just the few random grains of sand in front of me yet I was standing on a beach. On our way to 7 billion people the world is overflowing and the "N" as they say in statistics is large beyond measure. I don't need to share my bed with them, share my pillow and my kisses and my skin. I can simply talk to them and hug them and travel with them. I felt so fine in that moment and greatful for my phenomenal life that I lacked nothing. I felt surrounded by possibilities as I suddenly realised that I infact had the perfect life that everyone should want, that I in fact held all the cards. Like a gambler who has allready won and knows it.

My life is full and amazing. I need nothing. 

Dropping, catching, falling

We walked thru the jungle in the rain, the night was just about to slip its vail over our vision and the trail had vanished amongst the ferns and choclate trees heavy with bright orange rotting pods. In front of us, was a raging river, newly briming and thickly churning from a heavy afternoon downpour. This was the direction we imagined was forward, whatever that nebulous concept meant in this context. 

In an atempt to beat nightfall we had to cross this beast. We had no real choice. We examined large rocks and currents and then you plunged ahead with the help of a bamboo pole. I however, became imobilised in the middle of the rushing water, afraid to take even one step in contradiction of the strong current for fear I would be swept off my feet, the muddy river pushing hard against my legs. Me ludricusly wearing jeans that were now wet up to my waist. The rain continued down in a steady sprinkle that somehow implyed that wetter was even possible in this context. I stood there for far too long trying to will myself forward. Then, just as I lifted my foot and the water gave its strongest push, you came back for me and stretched out your arm, offering your steady hand as solice from the forces of nature. With one quick grasp we were both across and once again standing on thick firm jungly land. 

You normally are more of a egalitarian than a shivilrist. More likely to want evenly devided pie and checks than cavalerly throwing down your coat in a puddle for me to fooloshly walk over. But in that moment, in that context, you reaching out to me was worth a thousand withheld sweet kisses on the back of my neck. Your strong hand in the midst of my fear was the same as a thousand doors opened in front of me, a thousand dinners ordered with me in mind. You made me feel cared for and safe. In that moment I loved you hard and strong like the mossy rocks that held back the rivers force without even budging. 

Once safely on the otherside of the river the trail magically appeared again. One step at a time we made it home, faith that the path existed and could be found was all we needed. That and the willingness to move forward with knowledge that being swept away is not the only answer. We made it home, the last bit on a motorbike, me stealing your heat on the back as we sailed thru the balinese night talking and laughing away the raindrops. I wanted to go home with you and steal more of your sweetness against your will as you slept. But I had another man waiting for me at home, a steady and humble eleven year old who needed my company more. I said goodbye without even a kiss. 

This is what will happen again soon, saying goodbye. Will this time be for good? I don't know. Do you? At the moment I can't see beyond next week. Our future is muddy and blocked by long forced time apart across vast oceans. Our connection to one another not being swept away by the black abyiss of the unknown is all but impossible. I will take a moment, a deep lingering pause, to have faith that a path exists. Hidden only by jungly vines that only need to be pushed away. I will find faith that no matter our distance we can be there to take each others hand when raging rivers require it even as we have found different paths to forge in life and in love. I love you like a rock, steady and strong, take my hand if you ever need it. 

Loose edges always meet up

I am building a house. Because I live in Indonesia where the rules are limited I can build it inch by inch without planning too far ahead. I can look at today and decide what needs to be done. Lets put a wall there, lets lay tile here.

People from western countries find this to be ludricous if not impossible. They can't fathom the emptiness of not having the complete vision written on graph paper ready to be neatly orchestrated. 

The other day a sweet british man interested in my construction project attempted to explain his disbelief by asking "how do you decide what to do when you get to two edges?"

When two edges of two surfaces planned and implemented at different times come together they may need a bit of imagination to join them. Where floor tile meets the edge of the pool, or a wall meets a counter. But allthough it seems impossible from afar or before they come together these two surfaces present thier own logic once complete. This logic may not even be visible untill you get there. You have to wait for the edges to meet and then translate the logic of that moment. Add a bit of trim, smooth out the surfaces, sand them down. Like magic they become one. It works, I swear. This makes sense in construction if you let it. If you let go of control and let loose imagination and all that is sensible in this present moment. But you have to let go, let things happen. Watch and then play. This works in life also. 

This is my new mantra. Keep going. Wait for the edges to meet. Wait for whatever it is that is happening now to go somewhere, to make sense. Follow that road in the dark, don't be afraid of the unknown. See what happens, trust that you will know what to do when you get there. Let go and play. Know that it will all become clear. Trust, let go, let it happen. 

I am right now doing lots of thing. Right now I am interviewing transvestights for public health research.  Right now I am building a house. Right now I am dating a sweet and yummy man with a creamy voice. In two months most of these things may be done. I am not sure where the edges are. I can't see them yet. I am not sure where the next edge starts. What does it look like, how will it meet up with my current life? What happens when this man leaves? Will I go to him, will he come back to me? Will there be another man? I am not yet sure. Will my house rent, will I get more public health work and continue to be an academic? I am not yet sure. Wait for the edges, they will come. Know that they will meet. It will all make sense and come together in neat lines. Keep laying tile, one at a time... Don't look too far ahead. Keep going. Enjoy the details of now. The present moment. Keep going. Wait for the edges to meet. Trust that they will.