My intention was to write an apology to you, to the woman I will never meet whose husband I am borrowing for the week. I wanted to say sorry for the pain I would cause you if only you knew. I know this pain myself intimtiately, know its shape and its form like I know the way my cat sleeps curled on my lap. Your ignorance only further sprinkles my guilt with tiney grains of pain. Like salt on a wound, because I know the explosion of hurt that is waiting silently around any corner for you to find. Did you hear my orgasm over skype in the guest room as you slept the other night? Did you notice his smile over coffee as he texted me?
I wanted to say that I was sorry for wrecking your home, trying even to tear apart your family for my own selfish want. A want that is so great, that I would do almost anything to feed its hunger.
I intended to say sorry for all that and more but the sad truth is that this appology that you will never actually read, feels like a lie. See I was once you. I was only two short years ago trapped in a marriage whose small amount of love we had conjured at the start had burned out out like a camp fire dwindling slowly in the cold night air. I was once casting daily daggers of bitterness towards the man whose bed I shared nightly. I was once contemplating how it would be possible to cut off my third arm, this appendage that I drug around like dead weight but that none the less had become so firmiliar that its forced amputation felt like it was medically impossible. No you would argue if you only could, I love this man. He is my heart and soal and partner in all things. yes, this too I know. I know how it feels to not live in the world of black and white contrasts where everything seems clear. I know what it feels like to enjoy morning coffee and sweet family moments together and still at least once a week remember why you love him. Its confusing isn't it?
so I will say I am sorry for my theft but I will still steal anyway. Today at two, the man who belongs to you will knock at my hotel room door. He will kiss me and tell me he loves me. We will makes love, and talk and wrap ourselves up in sheets and then he will return home to you, make dinner and bath your daughter. I will spend the night alone wandering the streets of singapore. But the next day we will get on a plane together and share long intimidate moments for two indulgent nights.
I want to say I am sorry for stealing, but I want more to ask you, do you want me to steal him from you? Do you want to be freed from the burden of letting him go?
