A month ago I had a fleeting moment of gratitude. I was sitting on my upstairs porch, the sun setting, the rice fields flowing green until they vanished into the sea. My sweet son reading to his hearts content next to me. Me sitting there holding a decent glass of red wine in a land deplete of such novolties. An organic salad was being made and hand delivered to me. The smell of purple sweet potato french fries in homemade coconut oil were drifting up from the kitchen where a young man who works for me was preparing them for my guests. I had just finished a long but fruitful day of presenting a months work of research to my funders. The results of a compolation of interesting days and nights interviewing HIV positive balinese transvestites and transexuals about condom usage. I mean really, who gets to do that? I spent the second half of the day managing the design and construction of a house that I alone have had the pleasure of designing. Every inch of which is full of hand carved bits and daily induced laughs and fun as I enjoy all of the people who work so hard to make it happen, all while practicing my indonesian. I am lucky beyond words.
Unfortunately this beautiful feeling of fullness in my belly was fleeting. It was way too easily over taken by the grief of loosing someone. I spent days on the beach, a perfect farewell to a sweet man who had kept the lonliness at bay. I spent the many weeks after his departure battling off this feeling. This pang of lonliness of unwantedness, rejection and loss. The emotional stew that was too large and heavy to not overtake the feeling of gratitute for all that is my very full and rich life. I was overwelmed by the feeling that my life was doomed to be perfect but unshared and that there was only a sea of strangers in front of me that I had to endlessly sort thru for real genuine human connection. The kind that makes you feel like your whole being is understood and wrapped up. But now I feel even this part of my life shifting. Lifting up like a hazy fog as the sun pokes thru.
A few days ago I went to a party. The kind of party where you have to compete with loud background noise for the attention of strangers. Normally I would leave feeling miserable at how foriegn this space is to me, but at this party people noticed me and talked to me. Suddenly even the handsome latino salsa dancer who ignored me in class walked across the room to remove me from my conversation and pull me over to one corner to privately charm me.
The british boy who usually swivels like a chair between enticing me into trips and bussiness plans and turning his back on me for others, spent real moments wrapping me up with his attention. On the way out even an American I had fancied ages ago asked me if he could lift me off the ground, he spun me around in a circle and told me we should spend time together before letting me go.
What was lovely as I left alone to ride my motorbike home was that suddenly I realised I would have none of them and I was ok, not alone. They were just the few random grains of sand in front of me yet I was standing on a beach. On our way to 7 billion people the world is overflowing and the "N" as they say in statistics is large beyond measure. I don't need to share my bed with them, share my pillow and my kisses and my skin. I can simply talk to them and hug them and travel with them. I felt so fine in that moment and greatful for my phenomenal life that I lacked nothing. I felt surrounded by possibilities as I suddenly realised that I infact had the perfect life that everyone should want, that I in fact held all the cards. Like a gambler who has allready won and knows it.
My life is full and amazing. I need nothing.
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