Feeling in writing

I feel like he may be returning. Some combination of womens intuition as faulty as it may be and subtle language on facebook. I am not sure how to properly resist him if I see him. Returning from motorcycling around vietnam and sleeping with random women. How to keep walls in place and not let him in while simultaniously enduring loneliness. It feels like a chinese juggler on a tightrope, dangerous and certain to end in broken plates. 

I need to remind myself how I felt when he left. How broken and damaged he made me feel. 

What I said to him befor he left was imbued with kindness and honesty. A delicate balance that was meant to speak the truth but not hold him responsible for his own actions. It followed a long night on my porch drinking wine and listening to the crickets in the long dark as a backdrop for hashing out why and how we had ended up where we were. Him sitting daily on my porch unable to touch me as he sought out sex from strangers. Him admitting that he was adicted to the high of aquiring new women and convincing them to sleep with him and that he didn't see giving that up. The next day I tried to recover my generosity and offered up this sentiment via messenger.

 "Sorry I reacted that way. I did appreciate your honesty. You have every right, you have been honest and transparent all along and deserve none of my contempt for trying to find the woman that does it for you in every-way. A women who instantly makes your cock hard and your knees go weak. A woman who wrestles you to the ground in witty intellectual duals and is only sweet to you after sarcastically putting you in your place. I want you to meet that woman and I want you to one day tell her you love her (even if you only keep her and that feeling for three to five years 😉 ) and I promise I want you to send me a message no matter where you are and tell me so I can be happy for you.  

But just so you understand what this feels like on the other-side, I am compelled to dump one of my patented PMS induced indulgently honest emotional Facebook messages on you. 

Part of the reason I have been considering dating women is that I have been sexually rejected by every man in my proximity for the last couple years and am starting to go all Ani Difranco (yes, I was once a 20 year old ani Difranco listening feminist) and really hate men for wanting some sexier version of female that I can't provide and they all only enjoy long enough to discard after a bit of use like cum soiled tissue. 

I am starting to realize that although I am trying not to let my psyche be impacted by this. It clearly is. 

I know you are a good guy (don't worry I won't put the bad guy stamp on you) i know that it is just unfortunate that we became as close as we did and somehow don't want a real relationship (which if it were left up to me and my lack of intellectual rigor we would have). 

I try daily to override my emotions when I am around you in the same way I might try to override car sickness by staring at the horizon ahead. But for me car sickness is automatic and no matter how much I stare at the horizon I can only at best keep myself from throwing up. 

My feelings may have both biological and cultural underpinnings that I in theory should be able to to use my well developed frontal lobe to override. I should be able to intellectualize my way out of all this, but the reality is feelings are mostly automatic and my efforts to override them are only successful in some sort of dull lifeless way that feels like fighting against what this short biologically fueled life is really for. You don't like the way my firefly blinks well, someone will. I don't think the female firefly sits there in the ricefields wishing that the male flying above would stop hanging around and pretending that her blinking light was good enough company but did little to make him want to copulate. She would just ignore him and find the next flashing male that liked her blink. 

I have over the course of a year (with a couple of interludes of incredibly satisfying love, sex, and friendship) chosen this pain, self inflicted this car sickness while staring at the horizon. I have chosen this myself over the loss off you, this person whose company I cherish, wit I enjoy, and intellect I want to dive into like a deep pool. I have chosen this pain over the loss of you and the ensuing loneliness in this stupid small town. In the end it is a sad, desperate trade off. 

What I have realized is that being around you all the time is a constant reminder that you would rather seek out strangers to fuck than me and this leaves me constantly feeling like a slightly sub par female. A female who is nothing more than just placid good company. This feeling is destructive to my mental health and slowly picks away at my sense that I am both sexy and desired. 

You are leaving on Wednesday, I will still enjoy your company as you offer it until then. This is not meant as an ultimatum as you will be gone anyway but I thought that you should know what it felt like to be me in this strange twisted version of us. I will still keep you as my friend no matter what, I just need somehow to find a way to stop torturing myself and needed to say this outloud to you, so thanks for induldging me in a bit of self reflective angst on the nature of the beast that is our relationship."

What I should have added is that I am responsible for puting myself in this position and allowing this from you, but you are responsible for your actions too. What you do matters. What you do does impact peoples feelings. It all matters. Don't do it again. Lord help me to keep steady in the face of you. I can say I am over you but the fact is I fell for you and though time may soften the daily thoughts you will never truely be wiped clean from my soul.