But alas today was not the day my life changed, or yesturday.
Last night I was ditched at the last minute yet again by the random platonic friend who keeps trying me on for size. He slips me on like that shirt you have in your dresser that you feel like you should like in theory but in practice everytime you put it on it somehow doesn't make you want to wear it so you take it off and toss it back in the pile of undesirable cloths. This trying on and discarding somehow always leaves eating alone with only my extra side of brocoli for company. I decided to take a random tinder date to fill the time between meeing up with actual friends. The man who greated me was wearing a calllared expedia shirt and drinking a beer at a restaurant that was clearly chosen by someone who finds charm in all things generic. He upon basic inquiry turned out to in fact work for expedia and apparently felt the need to provide free advertising for them even while on vacation. Was there anythng else I needed to know about this man? I didn't think so. I abandoned him after only minutes of conversation by concocting a nearly incomprehensable excuse as to why I had to exit even befor I had achance at ordering a drink.
Today I met a female friend for lunch who is in a new and seemingly happy relationship. I managed to say out loud as I briefly lost my breath that I think of that man with the curly hair every day and that the hardest part is realising that most people you meet you feel nothing for. That most people you can't even manage to get thru coffee. That the thing that he ran from every month for nearly a year was rare like Australian beef cooked on low heat. It can't be found everytime you bump into someone new.
Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about was and start to focus as if your life depended on it on what could be.
Focus on the one who is walking around right now who you will meet. He will suddenly just walk up to you on a street and say something smart and funny and you will want him and he you. He will have been an academic or a journalist or an author but now he is independent and entrepreneurial and free from the constraints of money and comitment. He likes to get muddy and sweaty in the jungle while on long hikes. He may have his financial house in order but he will care little of material posessions and prefer good healthy food and time and freedom over fancy cars and things like couches.
He will like to tickle your intelect with deep thoughts and can be silly and witty and make you laugh hard every morning and every night. He likes music and delivers new offerings to your ears as he finds them. He has an older child or he doesn't but loves the possibility of having one.
He sometimes grabs you and kisses you on the back of the neck for no reason. If he danced he knows how to lead and if he doesn't well, he still knows how.
He gently arm wrestles your wisdom and takes in your messy world without judgement. He laughs when you loose your keys or your way or forget to buy shampoo. When he meets you you both say wow, I know you. There is something there.
He is surely walking around, he is real he exists at any moment you may pass him on the street. Focus on this. Everything can change in a day.
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