It was a generous offer. It was a statement in the conditional tense that implied there were other impeding factors, but I believed her sencerity. I believed that she would if she could and would ask for nothing in return. But she has someone to sleep with nightly, to keep company while sumbering, a boyfriend whose nightly presence is mandated after the human trajectory of years together. So thus the tentative use of would.
On my birthday complete strangers organised a party for me. We ate roasted bone marrow with arugala, we drank real red wine and even sent it back for being chilled and exchanged it for proper rich warm shiraz. A drunken nameless man who claimed without real proof to be a 15% owner of the guiness beer company bought endless rounds of champaign. I relished in being at a table of native english speakers all with varrying degrees of seperation from the queen and corresponding accents. It felt normal. I had company, I was keeping it.
A girl I never met who had a warm midwestern American accent, was thin and smart with soft long blond hair turned to me over the rumble of the dinner party and whispered "I like you, lets hang out." I decided right there that she is someone that if willing would keep sweet nightly company over pillows and under comforters. Would she keep my company? I was vaguely convinced that she might prefer whatever I was offering up over that of the british gentleman who clearly had her on his short list of the fleshly offerings at the party.
I realised this week as I started to meet my crowd for the first time in awhile that keeping company can be diverse. It doesn't have to be the solitary marriage and family that I clung to for so long like gecko feet on glass. It can be so many things all in one messy day. I am no longer alone. I feel this lifting for the first time in years, like a damp dark fog rising with the sunrise.
I spent half the weekend turning my nose down and frowning at men who plow thru women like a snow mobile picking up speed. All too suddenly I forgave them as if somehow this gave me permission to do the same. I came to understand somehow that they are just keeping company.
The man who feels the need to insist publicly that we were never dating is off in cambodia trying to find more company to keep and suddenly I understand. Like a bolt of lightning this just hit me. Suddenly I no longer feel rejected by his need to seek out random strangers and make them need him overnight like toast needs butter. I no longer judge him for constantly searching for this like he is digging for clams. We all need many things in many moments. We all need different types of company and varying degrees.
My son who moved into my room after my divorce to comfort me while sleeping by using his sweet and generous eleven year old snuggles has just decided he wants his room back. I have in the interim rented it out to a daily turnover of visiting guests. I will give it to him again. Sleep alone.
He still might like to snuggle me asleep from time to time he says, but is ready for a bit more space to stretch his growing soon to be teenage legs.
I need very little space from people compared to most, but what I realised this week is that I don't need to feel lonely because of this, I just need more people. If I collect small moments from each one in dribs and drabs like water drops in a bucket I am no longer alone!!
Some men, some women, some to hold me and snuggle me, some to have passionate cloths flinging trists with, and others for lingering chats over coffee or wine. Some for close up sweaty spinning and dancing and still others for muddy adventurous fun. It is all possible.
I am not alone. I have company, suddenly they are all around me.
I will have dinner tomorrow night with the blonde woman with the sweet voice, I look forward to finding out what type of company she would like to keep:)
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