After my divorce when this part of the monthly rollercoaster ride struck the emotion would come flowing out of me like a river after a heavy rain. I would be pulled to my knees on the path in the middle of a bright sunny day. Brought down hard.
Then I wept for having given away the only thing I had, for rejecting the only thing honest and true, having thrown it out like it was yesturdays trash.
Now as I weep, I weep for you and what we can't have. I weep because I am meant to give my body away to some stranger and try not to let that person in deep enough that they can hurt me as you have. I weep because somehow physical affection is off limits for us because its power is beyond our control and yet this power should be free to strangers? Why? Why do they deserve this. What is so wrong with me that you have to reject me over and over again. Why is the love that I can give you something to be safeguarded against. I am left only to make you tea and fix you eggs and keep my hands from touching you so that your heart can stay safely hidden beneath your skin.
I weep because this torture is never ending. Because the only escape means loosing you forever. Replacing you with someone else. I weep because I am totally alone. How am I meant to pretend that this is all ok. How. I am left with no other choice than to let the monthy flow of hormones envelope me and weep. Big warm crocodile tears that turn my cheecks into a wet mess. I weep. I let it flow and let it out because not loving you is all I am allowed to do. I weep.
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