Now lets be clear from the start. I was judging him. I didn't really like him or enjoy his company, I was just talking to talk. I judged him for being conservative, for being from new jersey, a state that in adition to being the home of my exinlaws is also all that is wrong in America. I judged him for cutting his hair too short and for thinking that San diego was better than Spain or Bali simply because there were no holes in the sidewalk. I judged him straight off and kept judging him, but I also kept talking and imagined he thought I was witty, facinating and a cultural odity worthy of exploration. It was enough in that moment that he liked me. My ego swelled like a pregnant cat. He was genuinly enthrawled with my discussion of construction methods in Bali, mixing tales of bargaining with scrappy balinese men for gravel and finding distant tribes to built boat shaped rooves for my villa. He seemed facinated until I tried to explain how many meters were in an "are" of land and clearly got it all wrong. I was for way too many minutes struggling to decide if this arbitrary metric of land measurement amounted to one or ten meters squared. A difference that is so large as to make me look clownish. In that moment his opinion of me hit the floor and I was suddenly in one fell swoop an ignorant bastard who clearly was a fraud. In reality I am good at many things but numbers is not one of them. Should he judge me for this? Sure, and I will still judge him for being from new Jersey.
A friend of mine who struggles to find guys she likes or who like her told me a story of meeting a charming entrepreneurial man on new years eve. She liked him untill he started to bitch about his day and then she was done with him. She left him standing there holding his drink. He was still smart, successful and hansome but now there was a flaw.
Last weekend I did the hash with a friend. The hash is a run thru the rice fields following a paper trail. The man is a friend who I have slept with on and off. We still see each other and each time we meet, I see his mind turning to evaluate wheather he could like me enough to overcome my flaws. We are evaluating each other, still. Wheels turning, contemplating all the bits and pieces.
We were having a stunningly lovely afternoon full of amazing scenery and great conversation. We walked thru green and muddy fields past rivers and thru jungles. At somepoint in the conversation I used the word "drug" as a past tense for "drag". Suddenly I watched first hand as my intelectual stature in his eyes was reduced to hick. Bill clinton is fond of that usage I later messaged him, its a southern colloquialism. He is Australian what does he have to say about it.
Later that evening as we played poker with friends, me for the first time, I bet money to the end of the hand even though I had no worthy cards. I wanted to see what would happen. He frowned at my stupidity from across the table, clearly making small check marks in the against column on the imaginary chalkboard in front of us. I had my own list about him. He was drinking again, surely this was worse than bad grammar and terrible poker skills?
We have become a world of judgement. We banish people from our lives based on a single turn of phrase. We do it all day long, we do it without even thinking about it. If you are single at nearly 40 and have never had a relationship last very long it is because you seek perfection. There is no forgiveness for flaws. Like an episode of sienfeld everyone is either a close talker, a far talker, or a loud talker. No one can ever measure up. Seinfeld eventually got married. Did he get over it?
Did he find someone whose flaws he was willing to overlook or did he just tire of caring. I don't know, but this year I will strive to judge people less and see them more as a complete package. Let them in as I see fit but accept them in the moment for all that they are. If you are from new jersey I will still talk to you
at least until you finish your small cup of coffee.
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