We start to talk about intamacy and what it is for you.
How your longest relationship of two years ended with you just disappearing for two weeks. This girl who you refuse to admit was quite possibly the love of your life left feeling like she was not enough for you. Left with empty space to fill.
How did I end up in your bed again? It was late and raining and we forgot that we both arrived on your bike together. I said goodbye and walked out key in hand with no motorbike to ride. I suggested I could sleep next to you with all my clothes on as my personal barrier against lust. But then, you surprised me with the obvious. Just as I was asking if I was allowed to hit on your friends, you stuck your curly head up to my chest and I melted into you, enjoying the sweet comfort of much needed affection. I need this right now damn you. Fuck the future. I just need you to hold me in this moment. You are my friend, let that be good enough. Just like scrambled eggs on sunday its not fancy and perfect but it will make me happy and full.
You told me earlier that you had slept with someone. I held you with this knowledge. I saw that you unfriended her on Facebook. She looked like a rounded version of me, holding a glass of wine while lounging on pillows. Yes I digitally spied on you, how could I not? You declared we were over and then ran off without speaking to me for a week.
I kept this image at bay and held you. Pushing back the flashes in my mind like a broken movie reel that only sometimes lets in a visible frame thru the light. I still wanted you even though you are tainted goods. You are a spoon on someone else's dinner plate. You are a cup with lipstick smears and a bit of orange juice left in the sink unwashed. I tried not to think about it. She was just one of many before, this was now. You are always just now for me.
In this version of now, you were suddenly so affectionate, holding me tight. Wanting me. We have gone thru this a few times, so I could allready predict the future. The first night we had sex twice and you held me as if you wanted me. Drinking me in. The second night, not at all, less snuggles. You texted me when I left after two strange days together to let me know that the retort to your landlord was "it was nothing serious" when she asked if we were "back on". You informed me unserimoniously that you would finish the movie we were watching together on your own. Not save the ending for another night in bed.
Intimacy scares you. You build walls against it. You make rules. You routinely vote against it on the premise that it is dangerous. Like broken glass in a yard with barefeet. It could hurt someone. It could hurt you. Danger Will
Robinson there are hearts involved.
Intimacy is so much more than sex. Intimacy are those moments that we share late at night when neither of us can sleep and we talk while staring at each other across the pillow. Intimacy is what happens when two people share thoughts and feelings. Why are you tryinging to stop it, to block it? Why question it. It, like all things will pass. Just like the night, the morning always comes even if you can't sleep. We will both wake up from our heady ocsytocin laden cloud and declare that neither is enough for the other. In the mean time, pretend this thing we have is ice cream in the sun. lets eat it befor it melts.
You are broken my sweet friend. I forgive you for this defect. I imagine you as a baby crying it out in the other room as your parents weened you on the urge to need them. You sleeping in a bed on your own and not snuggled up next to your mothers breast. Enacting the modern myth that a flannel blanket is enough to replace human skin next to human skin. Is this what did it? What ended all possibility of enduring human connectedness for you? I don't know. But I no longer take your rejection personally. I no longer chase this want like I am chasing butterflies with a net. Escaping my grasp just when I almost catch it. I now simply enjoy those moments when you let down all guard. Those moments you let me in. Those moments when affection is what you give freely like peanuts at the zoo. Those moments I enjoy beyond words. Just moments. Let's eat them before they melt sweet friend.
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