I am just a prairie vole

The prairie vole is frequently used in studies to emulate the nueochemical experience of humans. The prairie vole much like humans tends twords monogomous pair bonding. They do ocassionally divert from this, displaying behaviors that parallel that of human's such as divorce, seperation and infidelity. 

One study examined brain chemicals emitted when prairie voles were randomly given a partner and made to share space with them for a specific duration of time. Apparently, bonding chemicals emitted make the prairie vole exhibit a preference for those he spent time with, even when later given the opportunity to choose more genetically suitable mates.

So here I lay, the prairie vole being fed the brain chemicals that nature gave me to ensure successful pair bonding. I don't want these chemicals now. They are no good for me. This is only my randomly assigned partner. I don't want to get stuck.

He was my random selection. A research participant. I chose him to take my virginity. Not my real virginity but to break the spell of seventeen years of monogamy. 

I chose him because he was there, because he was kind, and just funny enough and smart enough. This is what I needed. An emotional respite. A clear understanding that sex and human connection were still possible for me. The brain chemicals were not part of my bargain.

The first time I laughed the whole way thru. Finding it unbearably funny that I was kissing a stranger. The sex was not akward or difficult and was surprisingly normal. I was not insecure or shy in most of the ways I had imagined and worried about. It was good even. 

The second time, the chemicals showed up. I started to feel something deep in my belly for this stranger. This stranger of a different race from a different continent. Who I has only met on five seperate ocassions. 

We layed in bed by the hour contemplating the evolutionary biology of prarie voles and how to resist the chemical reality we were being flooded with. Strategies were discussed. Less time together, no socializing just sex, or maybe a time limit. We settled on nothing.

By the third time I could feel him trying. Pulling away, just a bit. It made my belly ache or was it my heart? It made me realize that the chemicals are half the fun. They envelop you, wrapping you up in closeness and wellbeing. They are why we do this. To feel close to another human. 

I don't know when I will see him again or how I will keep from getting stuck for another 17 years with just some random selection. Four short dates being enough of an entoxicant to render me helpless. 

I have decided not to worry, to let go, to stop thinking and just feel it all. I have learned that resistance is futile. I will just enjoy the high. For now.