I Can't and other lies...

Today, I went to pick up a batik print I was having commissioned and had patiently awaited for weeks. The artist, a lovely Indonesian woman in her mid 30's smiled a tentative apologetic smile when I walked in the door and told me she couldn't do the work. It was too difficult. I saw her efforts and recognized their near perfection. I encouraged her that she had really done a fantastic job, but she felt it could not be done. I was asking for a small geometric shape to be drawn (actually traced on fabric). This shape paled in comparison to the enormous perfectly formed Lilly that she hand drew every day. She could only every draw a Lilly she informed me. I was disappointed but relieved she was willing to say "I can't" instead of just ignoring the situation. In most Asian cultures attempting things outside ones comfort zone is frowned upon. People don't want to do what they can't already do and most won't tell you, they just avoid contact or tell a tale of death in the family. Most  people have skills carefully mastered in childhood. This may be a cultural element of Asian life but is also very human. The feeling of "can't" when attempting new things or things that are outside your comfort zone are part of life. What we do with those feelings are what make us each unique.
When I picked up my nine year old son from school he melted into tears telling me he couldn't do long division. He explained that there was no fixing it, he was just terrible at it. He described this deficiency as if it was a birth defect. I know as his mother and someone who once felt the same way about math that it will pass. He will practice until it feels doable and then it will no longer be important. What I am equally sure of is that there will be some other impossible task to replace it. I am telling this story and repeating the images in my head as a reminder for myself. At the age of nearly forty I am working out of my comfort zone, I have what feel like no mastered skills and I am fighting to feel good at anything I do. I still daily find tasks or whole realities that I want to conquer (or don't) and feel they are impossible for me. Things that I see others do with ease are un-crack-able walls of difficulty that torment me to climb them or insist I walk away crying. I am choosing to climb. As I do, I hold my child in my mind and remember his struggles crawling. His frustrated fists pushing forward as he drug is body in combat crawl mode across the floor. After that there were weeks where he wanted me to hold his hands as he tried walking across the park and wouldn't let go because he might fall. He now walks, jumps and is working hard on long division. Having someone to hold your hand while you learn to walk is a blessing, but having the courage to let go, to fall down, and to keep getting up is vital if you want to draw more than a Lilly. I want more than a Lilly. I will forgive myself when I fall. I will keep getting up.