Date #2 and #3

Date number two was an Australian. Wild curly hair and tall but with a stylish conservative button down shirt. He was the first intellectually oriented person I have met in this small town. We had a lovely debate about capitalism and micro economies that was stimulating. This should have been enough all by itself. After a drought of lonliness one would imagine my brain would have jumped at this dance. It was a good start to feed my hope that someone could be possible but not enough to satisfy me beyond dinner. 

It is strange what you sort for in a friend, a lover or a partner. The right combination of things. I kept looking at this man across the table thinking he is smart, a journalist, he is a bit alternative, we are having a nice intelectual debate. What is missing?

Ironically after my first date with the man I spent my whole life with I wasn't sure. He was just nice. At 20 this was enough, to be just nice, or maybe it wasn't. All these years I was unsure if just nice was enough. Now I think that maybe all relationships are grown. Watered and fed untill shared experience makes them real. Maybe there is always a blank slate from the start. Maybe there is nothing else. 

Date number 3 was different. He was brazilian and alternates between working on oil riggs and surfing. I could have been on a date with Vinnie from the bronx, if I could just ignore the portugese accent. He asked me if I ever wore high heels. He liked really high ones especially.

 "I live in Bali," I replied. Heels? I have not even seen them in years. 

I made it thru my coffee, just barely. He was tan and muscular and I had always liked latinos. I could no longer be in his company, not for a single moment more. How is it that this only makes me feel more alone? 

Is funny and charming with some intellegence, a sense of adventure and fiscal independence too much to hope for in one person? I want my old very flawed life back. It was mine. 

The father of my child, my partner in all things life sat and waited in the school parking for a parent teacher meeting. We had driven on a motorbike together for one hour without talking, thru balinese ceremonies, traffic. Him fuming and smoldering over the fresh knowledge that I had a date, that in fact I was dating. This my only recourse from running into him and his girlfriend while buying bananas. It still felt like a betrayal somehow. 

"Let's just drive to the airport and get on a plane and never come back to this godforsaken Island that ruined our life" he said in a tone that lacked conviction. I imidiatly thought of real life. "We have property to sell first" I said. That was the wrong answer. I am still my practical non romantic self he declared. 

I don't believe its what he wants. I am not sure it is what I want. Not sure the genie can be put back, that the pieces can be glued back together. Would I respect him anymore now than I did then? Would I be able to get over his physical intamacy with another woman? Probably not. How can I be sure?

He is caught enjoying his new life and still missing his old one and feeling guilty about the dichotomy. I am stuck alone with no way forward. I am stuck trying to get thru 15 minutes of coffee and hoping that the next one will make me want to at least stay for dinner. What would someone have to be like to make this true? 

First dates

A man whose profile picture is him sitting at a desk cleaning guns would like to go out with me. We live in Indonesia, guns are highly illigal. No I will not go out with him. I will also say no if you have tattoos, are holding a beer or are flashing a hang loose sign. Also strangely if you are surfing. Odd I know. I think surfing could be fun but somehow if this is your profile picture I don't want to date you. I can't really say why. 

Last night was my first date. Online or otherwise in 18 years. I thought company with anyone would be nice. An attractive gentleman, who speaks three languages, has a masters degree and likes to travel enjoying the sunset with me. This should be preferable to the aloneness that has been stalking me daily for over half a year now.  Turns out I was wrong. 

What makes someone tickle certain spots inside your soul? Spots that makes you want more of them. More just over coffee or more that makes you want to bring them into your bed. This is a topic that now seems so nuanced and complicated as to be unsolvable. I don't know the answer for myself.

This gentleman didn't tickle anything for me. Not my mind, my heart, or my loins. He drove in a taxi for over an hour to have drinks with me based on some photos and a brief description of my life. God bless him for at least making me feel wanted for a minute. 

We each had a coconut. We enjoyed the jungly view that is Bali. It turned out that the restaurant I chose was the location of a speaking engagement and a honeymooning couple joined us at our table. Then minutes later, the genteleman I am scheduled to go on a date with the following night) who I had not met online but in person) showed up. He blindly stumbled into my date unaware that this was my scheduling conflict that made me push him forward another night. Awkward, but I suppose unavoidable when trying date en mass in a small town. 

I sat thru polite resume like converstation with my date and included the honeymooners in smart discussions of religion in Bali. I played by the dating rules that I have been advised of by those that know me too well, flaws and all, and love me anyway. Let them do most of the talking, don't talk about divorce or kids or other relationships. Keep my phone off and in my purse. 

In the end I knew within minutes that there was nothing wrong with him but he did nothing to make me want more of him. He was not funny, or intellectually challenging. He didn't even overpower me with some masculine trait like ordering my drink for me. Something that allthouh my feminist self finds dispicable my hormones find hard to resist. 

So with this, when my phone rang I broke one of my rules and answered it. I faned an emergency to leave. It turned out it was the father of my son calling about kid birthday plans tomorrow. I took the moment to tell him I was on a date and allthough this guys resume was better, he was not funny nor smart. Both of these areas are what make him and I still want time together even now. Funny smart conversations are part of what tickles me and makes me want your company. Unfortunately, there is more too. It was the intangible "more" that started the domino affect that brought me to this first date. I should have tried and and made him jelous but I didn't. It brought the missing back. That dreaded missing. 

Tomorrow night is another night, another date. I allready know how this one will go. But I am going to be generous and contemplate if there is something more there. Eventually with sheer numbers of dates eventually I will want to stay thru dinner, right?