You left today again for your homeland, we have ten days apart. Another seperation to bear, but this time I am standing steady, just me. Its ok whatever happens I am basking in gratitude. You have filled me up. This is enough to last me thru the dark loveless winternights that may come. Thank you for this. Thank you for giving me humor and grace and all good things that if edible would be delicious.
Now what? Do we keep each other or will you wander off into the Australian sunset? Is this a question we should try to answer or should we just keep holding our breath releasing tiny bubbles and sneaking sips of air without lifting our heads fully from the water? One can't really predict the future. It is yet unformed we can only carry each moment with us slowly forward.
I love you. My friend who shared the same salad of roasted tomatoes and goat cheese told me at dinner she had never said those words to a man in her whole life. She was saving them. I don't believe in saving, I believe in spending. When I was young I once spent my last five dollars on coffee and cigarettes. I don't care, I like to eat all my halloween candy in one setting, and have as many orgasms as time and company will allow.
Should I keep you? Should you keep me? Or should we toss each other back into the pot. You are thinking it, I know you are. Don't worry, I am too. Its not like we have nothing worth saving. But I, like you, am as scared of making the wrong choice. You are too. Its a pop quiz that no one can pass.
How often do two people like all the things we do? Is this normal or is it like that study where people start seeing volkswagons everywhere because the idea was planted in thier head. Am I making random connections on our collective behalf?
We like spreadsheets, long neat colums with a furmula to make it all work out. We like randy newman in his funny glasses singing ironically about his height deficit. We like adventures in the mud and muck and long motorbike rides to nowhere. We like the idea of racing across the world in a tiny junky car. We like the news headlines. I could do without cricket and Australian politics but thats ok. I will give you that and still find it charming. You make me laugh hard. You wake up in the morning talking, right out of the gate, as do I.
I can spend nearly the whole day with you and don't want you to leave. I want you to let me burrow my nose in your beard and run my fingers across your curls. I want this. Is this all enough? I am not sure but I am hooked. I will omit what is wrong with you for the moment. Sure the list exists, its long even, but I won't breath life into it just yet. I will wait to commit it to ink. Tomorrow.
You have your fingers wrapped firmly around my heart or other nameless organs. I am hooked like a carp on a good fat worm wriggling helplessly on the boat deck.
Am I allowed to love you, should I? I do. Its normal right? Its what you were afraid of, knowing you will only break my heart. Don't worry, you allready have, once a month for six months untill you declared me your girlfriend. This month is only now ending.
What should I do with this feeling? Should I stuff it in my pocket and wait for the right day to take it back out? Should I release it to the breeze and let it blow where it may? Should I burry it in the dark moist earth and leave it for the squirrels to dig up while looking for nuts? Should I give it to you daily over coffee and hope that you will take it and hold it and give it back to me generously kissed?
Or maybe I should run fast and hard untill I no longer feel it. Run untill someone else catches me and takes it and wipes it clean from my hands. Run befor the month is up and its time for you to break my heart again. I love you. Should I run?
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